What Are the Top 5 Regrets of the Dying

Key Takeaways from What Are the Top 5 Regrets of the Dying

• Deathbed regrets often come from things people could choose while alive, not external impossibilities.
• Planning ahead, emotionally and legally, gives more control, clarity, and reduces suffering.
• In New Hampshire and Vermont, laws and services exist to support making end-of-life wishes known and respected.
• Relationships and joy matter deeply. They are recurring regrets, so invest in them now.
• Don’t wait for a crisis to make changes. Small, consistent actions over time can build a life you will not look back on with regret.

Many people find it hard to talk about death, but some of the most powerful insights come from those in their final days. Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse, spent years caring for people approaching the end of life, and she noticed recurring themes in their regrets. Her answer to the question, “What are the top 5 regrets of the dying,” has become widely known.

The good news is that it’s not about guilt or dwelling on the past, but about what we can change so we enter our later years with more peace. Here are the five regrets, what they mean, and how people in New Hampshire and Vermont can use them to plan ahead emotionally, legally and socially, and live in ways they will not regret later.

What Are the Top 5 Regrets of the Dying

Based on Ware’s work in palliative care, here are the regrets people most commonly share when looking back on their lives:

• “I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
• “I wish I had not worked so hard.”
• “I wish I had the courage to express my feelings.”
• “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”
• “I wish I had let myself be happier.”

Why It Matters in New Hampshire and Vermont

While Ware’s observations are universal, there are regional considerations for New Hampshire and Vermont that make thinking ahead especially relevant.

Palliative care, advance directives, and difficult conversations are topics receiving growing attention in both states. A joint palliative care and pain management task force involving professionals from both New Hampshire and Vermont emphasizes improving communication with seriously ill patients, especially about goals of care and advance planning.

The Patient Choice and Control at End of Life Act was passed in Vermont in 2013. This allows mentally competent adults with a terminal illness and six months or less to live the option to request medication to hasten death, under certain safeguards. New Hampshire does not currently allow medical aid in dying, but the availability in neighboring Vermont could influence the decisions of residents near the border or in discussions about future law changes.

Cremation and end-of-life planning trends are strong in these states. People are making choices now about how they want their final arrangements handled, whether burial or cremation, memorial services, or who to involve, rather than leaving everything until the end. 

Legal and Practical Planning in New Hampshire and Vermont

To avoid regrets about things within your control, here are legal, financial, and healthcare actions to take while you still can:

• Advance healthcare directives such as a Living Will or Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care ensure your wishes about life support and pain management are known and followed.
• Financial and estate planning including wills, trusts, and beneficiary designations remove burdens from your loved ones, reduce conflict, and ensure your resources support what you value.
• Personal legacy projects such as stories, letters, photos, or videos help you leave a sense of self and connection.
• If you live near the Vermont and New Hampshire border, you may want to explore Vermont laws and how that might affect your choices.
• If you are a caregiver or family member, initiate discussions of what a life well lived means, not just at the very end, but in the years and decades ahead.

Living True to Yourself

The power in Bronnie Ware’s insights lies not in grand, sweeping transformations, but in the little, consistent choices that help shape our lives. Reflecting on our regrets and asking ourselves some honest questions let us adjust to reverse those regrets a bit. Questions include: 

• What aspects of my life feel like only mine, and which ones seem to be lived for the sake of others’ approval?
• Is there a small experience I’ve been putting off that I could take a step toward this year?
• Am I saying “yes” to things that drain my energy instead of making room for what truly matters?

Working Too Hard

• Do I bring work-related stress home in ways that impact my loved ones?
• Can I establish one boundary around work, even something as simple as keeping dinner time free from emails or calls?
• If cutting back on work isn’t an option, what can I introduce to create balance, like taking a walk, picking a hobby, or planning a weekly family activity?

Expressing Feelings

• Is there someone I need to reach out to and say “I love you,” “thank you,” or “I’m sorry”?
• Do I allow myself to speak openly about my needs, even if it feels uncomfortable?
• Am I holding back emotions that could be expressed in a healthy way through conversation or counseling?

Staying Connected with Friends

• Who is one person I miss and could reach out to this week?
• How often do I let my busy schedule overshadow my relationships, and what’s one small change I can make to change that?
• Can I commit to a regular check-in, whether it’s a call, a coffee date, or a walk, with someone important to me?

Allowing Happiness

• What moments already bring me joy, and how can I create more space for them in my life?
• Am I comparing myself to others in ways that hinder my happiness?
• What could I let go of, like guilt, perfectionism, or resentment, that would invite more peace into my life?

Pondering these questions and making realistic, small adjustments can move you toward living in a way that minimizes future regrets and enhances peace of mind.

If you want to take it a step further, community gatherings such as Death Cafés offer a safe and welcoming space to talk openly about death, dying, and living without regret. The conversations are not therapy or grief groups, but informal discussions where people share experiences, ask questions, and find comfort in knowing they are not alone. Several of these events take place in our communities.

Death Cafés and End-of-Life Conversations in NH and VT

• Portsmouth, NH: Seacoast Death Café (Portsmouth Public Library / Hospice Help Foundation)
• Jericho, VT: Jericho Death Café (community-hosted, open conversations)
• Woodstock, NH: Monthly Death Café at the Library (first Thursday evenings)
• Goffstown, NH: Death Café at Tethered (hybrid in-person and virtual)
• Nashua, NH: Death Café with Home Health & Hospice Care
• Peterborough / Monadnock Region, NH: Death Café by HCS (regional hospice)
• Ripton, VT: Death Café at Porter Medical Center (palliative support services)
• St. Johnsbury, VT: Death Café at the Athenaeum (hosted by NVRH and local partners)

How Gatherings Like These Can Help Reduce Regrets

• Hearing others’ reflections can spark courage to revisit dreams or values you have put off.
• Conversations may highlight the importance of balance, and provide examples of small shifts others have made.
• Safe, judgment-free spaces encourage participants to practice honesty, which can carry over into personal relationships.
• Sharing stories reminds people of the value of relationships, nudging them to reach out or reconnect.
• By normalizing talk about death, people often feel lighter and more present, noticing joy in daily life.